Homeward bound 

I’ve come a long way in terms of making decisions.  Not just in terms of making good choices, but also just making decisions period. Most of my life I made decisions based on what others wanted, thought, or said. I made decisions trying to please or get people away from me. So for me to be able to sit down, think, and make a decision based on what is best for me and my family is almost unbelievable for me. Most of the time I struggle with a lot of self doubt and question, after I make the choice and the ball has started rolling. I think as my confidence and  strength to keep true to myself build this has started to diminish. However, recently James and I decided to move our family back to Nevada and that had me going back and forth for months. 

I kept asking myself if we were going backwards. Wondering if I was just being weak. Wondering if I was running away from something. I would feel confident in our choice and then here and there I would go through a whirlwind of emotion pulling me the other way. I prayed. I talked to James. I talked to myself. I looked back over the last 6 years. I looked deep inside of myself and asked myself a million questions. James and I kept these thoughts, questions, and choices to ourselves. We made this decision for our family alone. I believe we are able to do this, because we’ve been on our own this whole time. We haven’t lived by family, friends, etc. It’s been him and I. We built our life on our own through our own choices without influence. We built our foundation on our own. Him and I. The foundation. 

I think we needed years to be alone. To figure stuff out. To get strong enough and learn more about ourselves. To grow and deal with our own crap. We grew as a couple, but we grew even more as individuals. We learned, healed, and became a unit. We survived the first few years of parenthood on our own and still like each other. Haha. Now our daughter is three years old and we have to ask ourselves how she will have the best life possible. The first thing that comes to my mind is family. I tried to go every direction with my answer. I tried to talk myself into and out of everything. I came right back to family. I know a lot of people move away from home or where ever their family resides and are not only happy, but thriving and content. I also know a lot of people that stay by home forever and are also happy, thriving, and content. I don’t think there is a wrong or right. For me, I learned I feel best, happiest, most complete, strongest, most at home, when I’m by my mom and brothers. That won’t ever change for me. While I know that I can survive and be happy anywhere, I know that I won’t be living my life to the fullest. I truly believe that it will be the same for my daughter. She could and would have a great beautiful life anywhere. I believe it will be better and fuller to be by our families. To have grandmas and grandpa, to have uncles and aunts, to have cousins, to have family. 

Texas will always be where I want to be. Texas will be where I try and end up forever, but it’s not home right now. So we are going home. Right back to where we started. We aren’t going backwards. We are going where we believe we belong. We are doing what we believe will not only improve our quality of life, but our daughter’s and family’s too. I finally feel like I’ve gotten to where I’m going. Feels really good to feel like you’re going home. I can’t tell you how blessed I feel to be able to share the best days of my life with my mom and the rest of our family. We’ve been through some hard and dark times together. We should go through beautiful moments together too. One of the most powerful relationships in my life has been with my grandparents. I have plenty of memories and lessons throughout my childhood from aunts, uncles, and cousins. We can only hope that our daughter has the same. We couldn’t find one reason to not be where we wanted to be. Home. So mama, I’m coming home!! And Texas, it’s not goodbye. It’s see you later. 

I’m not alone 

The thing that comes with hiding everything is loneliness. No one ever knows the truth. No one knows anything. I’ve always been surrounded by people. I grew up in a big beautiful family. How did I manage to make myself feel so lonely? I did that by hiding everything. I did that by telling anyone what they wanted to hear or not saying anything. Then, I went back to hiding in my horrible dark world. Alone. That was my norm. Sometimes it still is my norm. It became a habit. A hard habit to break. 

It started out as fear. Sometimes it was embarrassment. Most of the time I didn’t want to take anyone down with me. I didn’t want to share the pain. It was bad enough I had to carry it. I remember actually thinking that as a child. Most of the times I would just shut down. I wouldn’t say a word. You could sit there and ask me questions or talk to me and I would be mute. I remember wanting so bad to talk. I remember telling myself in my head, “Open your mouth! Say something!” I just couldn’t get anything to come out. Sometimes it was probably out of stubbornness. Most times  it was deeper than that. To be honest, sometimes I still shut down like this. Not often, but it does happen.  Old habits… 

It seems as I grew older and older my secrets grew to be  bigger and bigger. From not liking oatmeal and having nightmares, to sexual and drug abuse.  I never stopped hiding. I kept it inside of myself where only I could be hurt by it. I alienated myself. I was surrounded by people and completely alone. It started off as unintentional and then became the only way I knew how to be. Alone in my misery.  I know, misery usually loves company, but I guess I must be a decent person. I only feel that way about dieting, exercise, sad movies, etc. Then, I believe everyone should suffer with me. 

I’ve had to work hard at being honest with myself and with others. I have to work hard to say things out loud and put them into other people’s worlds. I have to work hard at not wanting to be alone. Whether it’s alone in my misery, hopes, goals, fears,etc., I’ve had to learn how to let people know and see that. I still want to be alone most days. However, now I can’t shut up it seems. Perhaps I’m making up for lost time. As I heal and discover, I find myself being able to share more of my life and myself that I worked so hard to keep hidden. There’s also times where I’m still not ready to talk or share things. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever be able to lay it all out on the line. If I let my depression take the wheel, it would and has convinced me before that I’ll always be alone in this. It’s easy for me to run away and convince myself I won’t ever find peace. That I will forever be in pain by myself. That no one will ever know these things I carry inside of me. My head will turn on me with the quickness. I need my reality checks. I need my list of what my life is now. I need my husband asking me questions that annoy me. I need to keep sharing. I need to keep being honest and not just try to shut people up or shut myself down. It’s taking me time and I know more time than most, but that’s how I roll. I’m healing and learning. It’s great being able to tell people I don’t really care for Adele’s music, I can’t ride a bike, I tried to kill myself more than once, I still believe in  and pray to God, I suffer from anxiety attacks, Beyoncé doesn’t empower me, driving still scares me, I’m a woman whose body rejects pregnancy, I’m an addict, I’ve never seen Star Wars, I’ve been losing weight for 1.5 years and I’m still overweight,  I’m Pro-Life, I feel all alone in a room full of people, I met my husband in rehab, I believe America is the best country in the world, I once stole 9 barglasses from applebees, etc. I told you guys. I can’t seem to shut up now. I know, I’m not for everyone. I’m not even for myself most of the time, but I’m as real and honest as I know how to be. It’s really taken me a lot to be able to say anything honest about myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been more genuine or true to myself. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time alienating myself. I wish I could go back and let people into my world. I can’t do that, but I can let them in now. I can come out from hiding and be honest with them now. I’m lucky that I’ve had this long to come clean and try to welcome my loved ones into my secret world. I can only hope I’m blessed with more time. I want my mom and loved ones to get to experience the real deal. I realize I’m trying to make up for lost time, but I feel like if I’m lucky enough to be alive, why wouldn’t I spend that time with those most important to me? Making amends and healing by action. Making the most of my time.  Sharing the “real Gabi” finally.  I’ve been alone for way too long.  What am I doing alone in Houston? I think I’m doing this all wrong….