I’m not alone 

The thing that comes with hiding everything is loneliness. No one ever knows the truth. No one knows anything. I’ve always been surrounded by people. I grew up in a big beautiful family. How did I manage to make myself feel so lonely? I did that by hiding everything. I did that by telling anyone what they wanted to hear or not saying anything. Then, I went back to hiding in my horrible dark world. Alone. That was my norm. Sometimes it still is my norm. It became a habit. A hard habit to break. 

It started out as fear. Sometimes it was embarrassment. Most of the time I didn’t want to take anyone down with me. I didn’t want to share the pain. It was bad enough I had to carry it. I remember actually thinking that as a child. Most of the times I would just shut down. I wouldn’t say a word. You could sit there and ask me questions or talk to me and I would be mute. I remember wanting so bad to talk. I remember telling myself in my head, “Open your mouth! Say something!” I just couldn’t get anything to come out. Sometimes it was probably out of stubbornness. Most times  it was deeper than that. To be honest, sometimes I still shut down like this. Not often, but it does happen.  Old habits… 

It seems as I grew older and older my secrets grew to be  bigger and bigger. From not liking oatmeal and having nightmares, to sexual and drug abuse.  I never stopped hiding. I kept it inside of myself where only I could be hurt by it. I alienated myself. I was surrounded by people and completely alone. It started off as unintentional and then became the only way I knew how to be. Alone in my misery.  I know, misery usually loves company, but I guess I must be a decent person. I only feel that way about dieting, exercise, sad movies, etc. Then, I believe everyone should suffer with me. 

I’ve had to work hard at being honest with myself and with others. I have to work hard to say things out loud and put them into other people’s worlds. I have to work hard at not wanting to be alone. Whether it’s alone in my misery, hopes, goals, fears,etc., I’ve had to learn how to let people know and see that. I still want to be alone most days. However, now I can’t shut up it seems. Perhaps I’m making up for lost time. As I heal and discover, I find myself being able to share more of my life and myself that I worked so hard to keep hidden. There’s also times where I’m still not ready to talk or share things. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever be able to lay it all out on the line. If I let my depression take the wheel, it would and has convinced me before that I’ll always be alone in this. It’s easy for me to run away and convince myself I won’t ever find peace. That I will forever be in pain by myself. That no one will ever know these things I carry inside of me. My head will turn on me with the quickness. I need my reality checks. I need my list of what my life is now. I need my husband asking me questions that annoy me. I need to keep sharing. I need to keep being honest and not just try to shut people up or shut myself down. It’s taking me time and I know more time than most, but that’s how I roll. I’m healing and learning. It’s great being able to tell people I don’t really care for Adele’s music, I can’t ride a bike, I tried to kill myself more than once, I still believe in  and pray to God, I suffer from anxiety attacks, Beyoncé doesn’t empower me, driving still scares me, I’m a woman whose body rejects pregnancy, I’m an addict, I’ve never seen Star Wars, I’ve been losing weight for 1.5 years and I’m still overweight,  I’m Pro-Life, I feel all alone in a room full of people, I met my husband in rehab, I believe America is the best country in the world, I once stole 9 barglasses from applebees, etc. I told you guys. I can’t seem to shut up now. I know, I’m not for everyone. I’m not even for myself most of the time, but I’m as real and honest as I know how to be. It’s really taken me a lot to be able to say anything honest about myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been more genuine or true to myself. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time alienating myself. I wish I could go back and let people into my world. I can’t do that, but I can let them in now. I can come out from hiding and be honest with them now. I’m lucky that I’ve had this long to come clean and try to welcome my loved ones into my secret world. I can only hope I’m blessed with more time. I want my mom and loved ones to get to experience the real deal. I realize I’m trying to make up for lost time, but I feel like if I’m lucky enough to be alive, why wouldn’t I spend that time with those most important to me? Making amends and healing by action. Making the most of my time.  Sharing the “real Gabi” finally.  I’ve been alone for way too long.  What am I doing alone in Houston? I think I’m doing this all wrong…. 

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I want to eat her face 

After marrying James, we called Las Vegas home and traveled the states for work. Marriage is interesting. My view on marriage is totally different now than it was then. Boy was I in for one heck of a ride. The only man I’d ever lived with was my brother, Daniel, and he’s a saint.

 I’m pretty sure I wanted to leave every month for the first couple years. Now, that being said, I have also fallen more in love with him everyday that has gone by. So yeah, figure that one out. 

We have had our moments that have made us question, if we were going to make it. I’m happy to say it’s been years, but we’ve been there. We selflessly gave ourselves to the marriage. Throughout our struggles and ugliest moments, we managed to put ourselves aside and figured out what was best for us. We learned that there was nothing that was going to break us. There was nothing that either of us could do, to make either one of us leave. I can not tell you the peace that brings. To know that no matter what happens, you have someone unconditionally loving you by your side. It’s everything. We have this love that is so much greater than ourselves. 

I never wanted children. I never had dreams about being a mom. I didn’t even want to babysit anyone’s kid, if I’m being honest. I didn’t understand them and I most definitely did not understand why someone would want a kid. However, James was the end of life as I knew it. I remember being so overwhelmed with this great love. I realize it sounds cliche and dumb, but I had this deep love for this man that created a longing for something more with him. Our love. There was nothing, but our love behind her. Well and some prayer, science, and a lot of money. 

On February 26,2014, it was the end of life as we knew it. After losses, tears, hard work, prayers, procedures, medicines, bed rest, etc., we had ourselves a beautiful baby girl. Our fighter. Our miracle.  She is bigger than we will ever be. I see her and I see James. I see a love that is so grand, I don’t believe anything in this world can top it. She is the perfect combination of us. The first words that nurses and drs said about her were, “wow she is something else!” I have continued to say that daily. She is special. She is one of a kind. She is ours. I love her so much I could eat her face!!!