Homeward bound 

I’ve come a long way in terms of making decisions.  Not just in terms of making good choices, but also just making decisions period. Most of my life I made decisions based on what others wanted, thought, or said. I made decisions trying to please or get people away from me. So for me to be able to sit down, think, and make a decision based on what is best for me and my family is almost unbelievable for me. Most of the time I struggle with a lot of self doubt and question, after I make the choice and the ball has started rolling. I think as my confidence and  strength to keep true to myself build this has started to diminish. However, recently James and I decided to move our family back to Nevada and that had me going back and forth for months. 

I kept asking myself if we were going backwards. Wondering if I was just being weak. Wondering if I was running away from something. I would feel confident in our choice and then here and there I would go through a whirlwind of emotion pulling me the other way. I prayed. I talked to James. I talked to myself. I looked back over the last 6 years. I looked deep inside of myself and asked myself a million questions. James and I kept these thoughts, questions, and choices to ourselves. We made this decision for our family alone. I believe we are able to do this, because we’ve been on our own this whole time. We haven’t lived by family, friends, etc. It’s been him and I. We built our life on our own through our own choices without influence. We built our foundation on our own. Him and I. The foundation. 

I think we needed years to be alone. To figure stuff out. To get strong enough and learn more about ourselves. To grow and deal with our own crap. We grew as a couple, but we grew even more as individuals. We learned, healed, and became a unit. We survived the first few years of parenthood on our own and still like each other. Haha. Now our daughter is three years old and we have to ask ourselves how she will have the best life possible. The first thing that comes to my mind is family. I tried to go every direction with my answer. I tried to talk myself into and out of everything. I came right back to family. I know a lot of people move away from home or where ever their family resides and are not only happy, but thriving and content. I also know a lot of people that stay by home forever and are also happy, thriving, and content. I don’t think there is a wrong or right. For me, I learned I feel best, happiest, most complete, strongest, most at home, when I’m by my mom and brothers. That won’t ever change for me. While I know that I can survive and be happy anywhere, I know that I won’t be living my life to the fullest. I truly believe that it will be the same for my daughter. She could and would have a great beautiful life anywhere. I believe it will be better and fuller to be by our families. To have grandmas and grandpa, to have uncles and aunts, to have cousins, to have family. 

Texas will always be where I want to be. Texas will be where I try and end up forever, but it’s not home right now. So we are going home. Right back to where we started. We aren’t going backwards. We are going where we believe we belong. We are doing what we believe will not only improve our quality of life, but our daughter’s and family’s too. I finally feel like I’ve gotten to where I’m going. Feels really good to feel like you’re going home. I can’t tell you how blessed I feel to be able to share the best days of my life with my mom and the rest of our family. We’ve been through some hard and dark times together. We should go through beautiful moments together too. One of the most powerful relationships in my life has been with my grandparents. I have plenty of memories and lessons throughout my childhood from aunts, uncles, and cousins. We can only hope that our daughter has the same. We couldn’t find one reason to not be where we wanted to be. Home. So mama, I’m coming home!! And Texas, it’s not goodbye. It’s see you later. 

My Good Thing 

I never imagined I would be alive at 32 years old. I never imagined I would live outside of my early 20’s. It’s a sad way to think and live, but that was my reality. I didn’t have a fear that I was going to die or get killed. I had terrible secrets hidden inside me that had already taken my life. In my mind, I was already dead. 

I lived with those feelings in this dark dark place for years. I painted this picture on the outside of a fun loving funny girl, but secretly I felt incredibly lonely and battered to hell. I had this deep pain that nothing could comfort. That wasn’t the only thing I was hiding. I was also a drug addict. 

I can recall a couple times that I tried to end my pain. I took more and more and begged for it to end. When I would wake up, it wasn’t a sense of relief. It was sadness. I “lived” like this for years. I was dying in front of everyone’s eyes and they had no idea. I’m not sure what happened, but suddenly I was just done. I couldn’t anymore. 

I was clean for a little while and thought, “hey, I’m clean. I’m alright now.” Uh no. That’s not how it works. I still did not know how to cope. I still had horrifying memories and secrets. I also had been doing drugs and living this way for most of my life. I didn’t know any other way to live and cope. I didn’t know how to make peace. I didn’t know how to stop making mistakes. I entered rehab voluntarily and sober in 2011, at the age of 26.  

Is everyone ready for it? Alright ladies and gents, here we go! I remember walking into the room without expectations or a clue about anything. I walked in and saw all these people that were just like me and yet I was terrified. I looked around and there on the couch sat a tall, handsome drink of water. His name was James. I took a seat and that was the end of life as I knew it. Don’t tell James this, but within minutes of meeting him, out of nowhere, my head told me I could marry this man. I want to add that I was the type of girl that never wanted to get married and men were nothing but disposable fun. I was never looking for anyone and I most definitely wasn’t looking to fall in love and get married. Ever. 

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. James and I continued to be friends throughout the process. We would go on walks, talk, deal with anxiety attacks, be silent, cry, etc. We were friends and we fell in love. Love I never knew exsisted. Love I never knew I deserved. Love I never knew I wanted. The kind of love that gives songs meaning. Hard, soul consuming, make you want to throw up kind of love.

I married James, after knowing him for less than a year. We walked down to the courthouse in Oklahoma wearing David Hasselhoff t-shirts and jeans and said, “I do.” There was never reservation or anxiety. I had never been more at peace with anything in my life.

I truly believe that every ounce of pain, sadness, guilt, etc., had led me straight to this very moment. I believe that I was right where I was supposed to be. I believe that I had to go through all this, in order to get to him. I believe that James is my good thing, my unicorn, the climax (interesting choice of word) in my book, my gift, my sign from God, my one big moment. I believe that if the only thing I ever do in this life is show our daughter this great love, it will be enough for me.

I’m not magically fixed. I still suffer from depression and anxiety. I still seek help in more ways than one. I still have my crap, but I am different. I’m clean. I’m hopeful. I cope. I love. I learn. I share my old secrets. I live. I’m ALIVE and I get to figure this whole life thing out with James holding my hand. I couldn’t be more grateful. Thank you God for letting me live.2011